I took pictures on this morning as I needed to really capture my glow. I felt more confident in myself today. I had to make this day shine.
Pink sweatshirt black pants New Waves and my favorite face toners. Hair was curly and I was able to perk it up.
I took a couple more photos.
Sat down and waited. Waited on my best friend in this life to meet me and accompany me down the longest road I'd ever walked. Today I would graduate University!
Got to the facility it was jam packed with young people. Families of old and new. Kids fresh into their dreams. I seen a couple people my age range, but not many. Amanda got to help prep my gown and we felt pride between us.
We had to separate and I sat down in the aisles. While she sat up above to my left. We texted haha yep we texted!
Twenty years ago when I tried to do this the first time, cell phones were barely a thing. Now we cannot live without them.
I've wanted to write this for so very long, and attempted to moment chase throughout this day. June 21 2023
I recall sitting in my parents room by their balancing that they never used writing out my first paper. How exciting how nerve racking how tremendous of me to be going to college. The university was a college back then. Neat hey?!
Most of you know my story, and that's where it started. College boy who learned how to live laugh and love.
Well here we are this day that took many roads to drive down. Many of many things to get through, go over cheat and excel in life to get HERE! To this moment.
I sat there and tears came to me that I didn't let flow. I'll never forget the flowers, that band oh Route 66 and oh yeah the funny hats of all the scholars. I'll never forget amanda sitting up there looking down on me with pride. I felt that from her and I'll never forget that feeling. I felt it I felt it from Amanda.
I don't have many super close people. Because I can't do the closeness I've been hurt to often. I choose silence and peace. I choose distance and casual. I don't and won't have a partner cause I have to many owls 🦉 in my head preventing me from sharing self. Though I may love the fuck out of myself I obviously do t love myself enough to let another man in.
Guilt & Shame of being a failure through all my accomplishments stand out. I've done a lot in these twenty years. I've had a couple great careers and a whole pile of memories. Don't get me wrong I've had a bus full of gentlemen callers which have filled my plate. Still got that guilt & shame.
So as I sit there through the convocation I watch and I hear the families and people cheering on their favourite scholar. I have my choir of one and she is beaming with pride. This day is supposed to be amazing I am supposed to be full of joy and yet I'm tired. I'm tired of this all of this. I continue to pull myself through the next stage and hope that's it. This time I can live right?!?
I get to walk the stage now and I have nerves. People are nice and smiles were everywhere. I don't know who's smile I wanted more but none were enough.
I walk the stage and take those sound barrier steps of black out deafness and take a couple pictures I'll never forget pausing to look up at Amanda! I can't see her, but I know she's there! She's always there.
She's always there.
I've not been! That hurts me the most my guilt and shame.
Won't you get hip to this timely tip
When you make that California trip
Get your kicks on Route 66
My timely trip I think made me hip.
The band continued singing even though the schlors walked. I hear the lady sing. All of this life scans through my eyes. I remember it all and as I said I'm tired everyone. So tired and the pain just digs deep.
In the next ten days my history decides to sharpen its knife and really pull out the shattered remains etched into my character design.
Undeserving Unloveable Unbelievably Sad!
I am not suicidal.
Not today.
Not during this time.
Yet I'll never forget all the times I was. There's that guilt and shame and how I'll forever be in recovery. Recovery from myself. Trust me these memories played over and over at the convocation and days after.
So I made it. I got the education I have always wanted back from when I wanted to save the world. It's not perishable, it's not stale tell me why I won't open the box of Steven fully? I don't feel comfortable I certainly don't want the present I've got for myself. I feel like I don't deserve all of this.
So I open an email from the university on what I call famously my suicidal anniversary date July 1 and I see the smile I was seeking on the convocation. I see my smile. I seen me.
Older, my eyes are not as open as they once were. My posture is slumped. I walk funny because of a disease I had in 2020 and I seriously am over weight. Disgusting!
I seen myself smile with purpose though!!
I have the joy that's captured in that one photo. The photo of me looking up at Amanda but all I see is the lights. The bright lights.
I'm realizing that though I may love myself I've neglected myself. Through work with clients I've caught onto a theory I was seeing in a case file of self neglect and oh my gosh if I don't think I'm not projecting this!
Where did I go?
I am not hip!
The Rolling Stones a reminder that I wouldn't be here if it weren't for their greatest fan of days past.
If you love what you do they say, then you embody all of it.
Time for more me. Time for more smiles and love. Time for me to unwrap the gift of me.
There's that damn song by T Swift that embraces the problem in me. We'll say it ain't so, it's true.
I graduated university. I'm 11 days shy of my tenth year sober/clean. I'm tired. I love projecting. I'm also forever grateful for a person I'll never ever be able to repay for her kindness to me- Amanda!
Thank you for being you. That stage walk well I think it's all for you my choir of one. ♥️