146pm
I checked into Providence.
This is my absolute home away from home! The abundance of joy here radiates from the beams through all who walk the halls and all who stay.
I've been gifted a space in the sacred area. Remincent of my very first providence stay. This room is super quiet. It's hidden and has its own kitchen and launder area. Cut off from the slight noises of the building, this room screams pin drop!
I unpacked and took time to sit.
I brought small treasures to guide me throughout the stay. 7 day intensive rest!
Take the power and put it into reflection. Where does our energy come from? Children reflect and or defect the environment that is shown to them.
A slight drift in the wind as I did not expect a teaching week of childhood growth. Thus, here we are.
Powers given unto us and the way WE perceive them bring us forward in life. Also backward and once again forward.
The teachings Spoke about becoming meek and or nonchalant about the who what why of others. I caught this and it stuck!
I opened the god box after a year here before the opening circle. I wrote how I'd like more compassion and more patience. Work on myself and aggression and tone. Be more kind and have more exuberant love.
Achieved!
Feel amazing.
Now let's speak about becoming meek. I titled this #blog Quiet before catching this phrase from the teaching this evening and wow seems like there will be some interplay of what's to come in my world during this week!
I've grown tired of this society and all that others think of me. Truly I could care less! I've become the version of myself I'm good with and a person I love spending all my time with. So let's see how #meek will play into this spiritual week!
Why are we inadvertently taught of the punishing god through learning how much he loved his children?
The teachings spoke of a person who grew up in fear. In fear of his higher power. His mother made a batch of fresh cookies and placed them in the, one could say Golden Cookie Jar. The mother told the children, he included that God is always watching so do NOT eat from the cookie jar.
What this did was place that fear he could do no wrong EVER. All because of this fear that was misplaced conception of authority.
What does this bring out? Well the idea that our Higher Powers are judging, chastising or going to punish you at every given turn.
A punishing god is not what goers believe. In fact it is what faith chasers believe to get YOU to behave or misbehave which ever floats your fancy. It purely is a manipulative way to gain the power over another- compliance.
The teaching goes on to speak of when one becomes humble enough they realize these insecurities are of the false self.
The false self is all the aspects of additional personas we take on to impress or improve the u in YOU! I am NOT a social worker, instead I am Steven a Christian man who has beliefs in aspects of humanity that can be salvaged before being ripped away by the disease of society!
Relating to the teachings this morning had me coming full circle with the disbelief I'd been consumed with at such a young age that it propelled me into dangerous territory all while it also kept me walking the red line before ultimately chasing the fear!
I believed that as a GAY man I would catch the auto immune disorder that would end my life. Simply by having the thoughts, and if I acted on it I'd be struck down instantly.
This led me down some very dark roads as I began to, how did I say it earlier FAITH CHASE? I wasn't chasing for happiness I was chasing the faith to end my life!
Experience Vs Vulnerability - this is life finding a way. I've learned how to be slower. How to catch feelings and love the sensation. I realized tomorrow isn't certainty and I can either run through this life or take the time to slumber and be part of my life.
I wouldn't say I'm not susceptible to outside sources, because I am. I do not think of myself as weak either. But the life experience I've gained through walking the red line has definitely increased my awareness of the common enemies we in life all have.
Those who chase away the faith!
What matters more the putter actions we put forth? How about the inner sanctuaries we hold dear?
Dualistic Thinking, a surprise conflict of life for many. Either things are one way or they're the other. Black & White so to speak. I've been accused of this time and again. This is because I need guidelines with rope in my world. If I'm told it's one way or another, unfortunately this is where my childhood lessens come into play.
Tight rope I walked as I walked the Red Line!
So according to the teachings, what matters most is what we feel in our hearts. Me Mum is the heart of my heart! I feel this to be factual and I know it because life granted me the love!
I do not need to stand on a street corner and preach, nor do I have to follow.
I know my spiritual path is different and I like that. I like my slow transition into this realm. I am also a thinker of thoughts and I have a voice which makes me spirited. This spirited individual has opened his mouth a lot more than his ears.
I believe in what's right, what's good and honourable.
I believe because the life I wasted will forever teach me of sin.
God shots & photographs = this experience!
Emotional Patterns and how to break free of them, was today's lesson. These teachings
From Father Thomas Keating over this past year have been exploring the depths of my psyche. The idea of the false self was again at the quiet forefront.
Might I just add that I recently bought the best ever muscle melt bath salts from @Saje and wow people, WOW!
As we watched the videos today and we got a deeper understanding of emotional detachment as a positive thing, it got me thinking completely clear about the parallels to my addictions as way of reactions according to the needs of my false self!
Change the behaviour to a preference and make it pleasurable. Beautifully simplistic isn't it? As a means what I ended up doing to myself was harm. What changed was love and the input of love from many different venues. I switched solutions and continued doing so up until 2021 I believe- I now drink #Lots of mineral water!!
I also gain pleasure from its taste!
A story was told about how poachers caught an animal because it selfishly found the food it sought after however his clenched fist around the food ultimately got him caught.
The monkey didn't survive because he didn't realize all he had to do was release his clenched fist from the fruit which in turn would've released his hand and he would have had freedom!
All I had to do in my addiction was let go of the self hate and learn to be good with just myself. But my ego and pride wouldn't let me not mourn!
I mourned my identify!
This morning I slept. I awoke for centering prayer then consumed. Then back to bed for over an hour. I just finished another hour of prayer and I feel so level it's hard to explain.
Be Me is the phrase that has been Center in my mind over this last few days. Incredible way to describe my emotions and where my heart lay.
One of the teachings explained how one of our most primal instincts is greed or envy. The bringing forth of how super easy it is to accept this notion is frightening to be honest. Y'all I know my green bone is fragile, not quite as it was but darn close!
The story explained how the priest whom was an abbot at the time spent very few hours being able to pray in the church. When he did he wasn't allowed to sit. Kneel or stand was his options.
One day another seemingly same heir archer of sorts came and began praying at the same time; however this fellow was aloud to sit! To great dismay this upset the priest and he allowed these emotions to stir in him. They stirred until they flourished and when the bloomed - well a rage became evident. So evident that it nearly took him out of the monestary.
He thought well maybe because the fellow was in his fourties and he was old? But nevertheless the man sopped up all the bliss in the church by being able to sit during prayer.
Story ends and the two men become lifelong friends. Question I had was how come he could sit? I too would have been outraged 😂 and 40 is old?!? Ok this man needs to stop!
A lady who is also on this retreat with me then speaks up and says "And see we're all sitting!" LAUGHTER ERUPTS!
That by far was the best moment beyond memory with all of us on these spiritual trips that I've ever had! Wow the laughter was honestly fun!
Consent as a topic, not overly in the way one may think of it now but close.
Through our lives we journey through spaces or age gaps or growth spirts or energy phases which ever you may wish to call them.
0-11 are the age of innocence it is to be said. During this time joy and wonder appalled the energy phase and joy is to be had.
11-21 could be the age of puberty and transition into young adulthood. This is coupled with range emotion and the core of being is remodeling so to speak.
21-45 is the age of great expectations, a coming into oneself period where life is being directed a certain flow with many choices channeling the individuality of one's soul.
45- your physical death bring forward many unanswered questions from life journey and seeking to understand and or to live it is paired with agency. This agency can be anything personal to the individual experiencing their final growth years.
Though we never stop growing we are constantly changing our false self and or demanding more it and less attention is placed into the true self.
What if you did this more consciously? Take time for your thoughts. Get good and I mean real good with your self to the point that silence is gifted through the spirit.
Please remember I do not push any religious agenda on anyone so this spirit can be whatever you reckon it to be.
These teachings of the consents are about accepting where we are at and moving onto the next stage of this physical journey.
I did bring up the question as did Father Thomas, which inquired about addictions and or ways of halting the process. As I reflect I wonder if the reaction actions I've had in life specifically between 11-45 have derailed the growth process for myself?
In fact I would bet my career on it!
I was reading this week, and for those who do not know me well enough yet, well I don't read! I'd love to but I need to be really captivated. Any how I am reading the book "Perfectly Yourself" by Matthew Kelly. In this there is a small caption of how alcoholics have two choices one is death and the other a spiritual journey.
You guessed it, I'm not dead! My spirit has only begun to touch the faith I sought out for brought forward miraculously enough by the passing of whom I believed to be my ultimate true love.
Earlier I Mis spoke and I referenced experience versus vulnerability. Well that is still true in its form I believe, but another guest this circle corrected my thoughts as it was actually experience versus comformity.
Isn't that something that phrase.
What life has taught me and I've been learning since as far back as I can remember, is that all the evidence of life I've witnessed to every degree has propelled me into my own being. I've never been one to #comform and I never will be.
As I've learned from watching people die, you cannot force someone to change. You can only hope with every fibre of your being that they take the olive branches extended to them along their path.
God rest my cousins soul.
On a final note, this week has taught me that apparently I'm old at 42. 😂 no no
My or OUR higher power shines through us in our TRUE self our TRUE form by manifesting in each of our uniqueness's. Let that sink in for a second.
Everyone of us has character defects and those need to be changed.
Everyone of us has the identifiable trait whether good or bad and this plays on the false self ( remember I may be a humanitarian worker, but my name isn't humanitarian it's Steve)
Everyone of us has a twinkle of shine in different areas which scream our true self. The image set forward for us by our creators. I can light up a room and I can also reign terror once scorned. My uniqueness is the shine within me that I let beam out of my when I'm at my greatest strengths.
I have nothing but absolute love in my heart as I write this and I'm blissfully sopping up all of these moments.