Imagine rethinking the day of your past life!
I scrolled through some pictures today, looking for the glow up for the Toktic. Found one from just over a decade ago.
I took a look in the eyes of mine and I knew what I’d see. Desperation, loneliness and dread all captured in a simple day of fun. I used to spend days just wandering with my sister and I still do actually. What she didn’t know then is what I know now of similar thought patterns. I couldn’t stomach to be alone and that simple day out was fantastic for me.
I’d go home and devour the addiction. I’d begin again the nightly battle to end my existence. #Facts
I wore blue, a jacket that covered my honey arms and pale skin. I felt sexy even though I was severely damaged. I felt blue but not on days like that. Only when I’d be home alone yet again.
Love saved me in the end, yes…. But it also drained me of near all my compassion for self.
Somewhere along that journey I severed who I was. Truly who I was meant to be.
When I look at these old pictures I see the wanderlust gone. Displaced and shreds of joy held in my companions hand. It was her. I treated my siblings bad as a youngster. A decade older then them and a decade wiser of abuse I would reenact the climaxes of terror I endured at every hand slap, face punch or belt beating I received.
I’ve seen younger baby pictures of me where there was evidence of a happy jovial boy!
The earliest memory I have is playing in a toy box the size of a refrigerator, because that was the actual box from a fridge BUT filled with toys.
I cannot find pictures of me in between 8 and say 14. It’s as if they don’t exist and they very well may not.
Let’s just say our life was pivoting a great many warrior battles within the home during this time. Definitely not what a child should bare, especially the empathetic child.
He would become the hyper vigilant scared emotion filled anxiety ridden teenager. He cried nightly to his best friend about his woes. He showed his broken teeth and blood stained skin to his friend too on a number of occasions. If it wasn’t for Brett, I don’t think I would’ve made it through those years!
Scrolling through the memories of my life for absolutely no particular reason this evening. Life has been good as of late and I am content. I do cherish how my faith in my higher power allows me to fuckin feel again in this life. I can reminisce about such occurances, and not be on the verge of anger towards a source I used to blame for the pain.
There’s a song that always comes to mind when I think of past life captured moments: Filter- “take a picture”
Always thought provoking these lyrics are. I’m taken back every single time. Suicide was an ever present thought.
It wasn’t long after the picture was taken that I would begin rounds of attempted suicide!
I had no one when in fact I had someone’s who didn’t realize the enormous pain I suffered in all actuality.
Today I find that it isn’t the people in my life or the work that I do, that helps me maintain sanity. It’s being awake on my own airplane ride through this journey. Together with self! I have faith! In god! In myself!
I can be alone and be the happiest I’ve ever been. And if you’d asked me that when this photo was taken I’d begin to cry begging you to simply sit with me.
Please don’t leave me!
Everyone leaves!
No one loves me, and no one will!
Not sick thoughts, they’re more learners tools in the game of self destruction taught by environment.
Viewing past memories is cathartic now, only because I feel the growth and see it in my smile. I see it in the others around me and I feel it when god let’s me sense strain.
When was the last time you sat and peered into days gone by?
When was the last time you said you loved yourself first?
Do it and Do it now!
Love Sabastian