Hey there everyone!!
I've been thinking a lot lately about all the feathers in which I casually run into. The connection to the spirit world and good fortune comes with that, or so the sayers say. I believe in shots from our higher power as we know, but I also believe in the people we've loved communicating with us from time to time. I think I saw 3 feathers today. I should be on the road for an awesome week!
Sitting there in the comfort of my living room, I thought about all the things I could write about. I haven't blogged per se in quite a while. I wanted the words and story to be meaningful and not just some more words for the awe factor. Though all I share is true, I have to change the names and cover up important characteristics, so the exposure doesn't well....expose!
I arrived at one of my jobs today and enjoyed chatting with one of the clients. She discussed the meaning of others' existence and how she could be touched and surprised by the kindness of others. "She wrote me a note. A note that was full of loveable comments and encouragement towards me! I just felt such love from her. Now i think the words she spoke of were more meant for her; it still touched me." She paused after saying this, continuing with; that she was found dead of an overdose a couple of weeks back. Her boyfriend found her, and that must have been something, but still, I never expected her to die out of all the people. She said with a stolen tear rolling down her cheek. Brilliant story, I proclaimed. I let the client know to never forget these feelings. Embrace these emotions with all you have before this all becomes normal! I miss those feelings!!
A feather from heaven or hell, who knows!
I often think of the people I have had the pleasure of knowing and their passing. I believe that 98% of the people I went to treatment (Tx) with and/or experienced a post-treatment setting with; have all passed away. Almost all from an overdose after "One last time".
Some I loved more dearly than others, but still all in the same boat, unfortunately. I made a close friend in early Tx. His name is Jeremy. When he was the first person to relapse and disappear, I did not know how to handle this. This whole using thing and people's traumas were new to me. I didn't play well with others because I was actually in Tx to get better forever. Most people, as I learned, were only in it for the short-term effects with hopes of the future, yet being selfish in the worst ways. Jeremy disappeared along the way, and as of this day, I do not know if he is alive.
I fell in love with all my heart with some, and with some, had the hardest times accepting they were gone forever. It's more than the disease that kills our friends. I believe our friends kill themselves battling their demons. Battling themselves along the way. An addict, in my professional opinion, based on my own lived experience, will fight the rules of life and try and beat the internal moral system they have learned and are learning in the moments they commit hatred toward themselves. I know I wanted it all. At my time and when I wanted it. I lived on my own timeline!! It took a lot of outside influences to help me learn to love myself and, most importantly, have faith in my higher power. I had to fall in love with myself to be good for the world and the people in it that surround me.
Remembering them....
The love of my life, a vibrant man! The shine in his eyes captured the world, and his smile collapsed my lungs. I see it still to this day, and I think of him almost daily. A secondary love after him and met along the same journey is close to this feeling. The feelings are separate yet similar. The danger I knew and loved was the floating resemblance of fires within each of them.
Greg, a guy who passed along the early years, was an absolute ass to me initially, and then I warmed up to his soulfulness. He lost his battle early on, and he is the first to show me this can happen. Also, he was the first to open my eyes to this pain, as I was in shock. Ignorance is probably the better-suited word for this, but all the same. Randy was a close Ali, friend and someone I truly enjoyed. He moved along in life, and I made friends with another cohort friend, and there was a good bunch amongst us. As time went on, the new friend Roy explained what happened to them along their newfound journies of "recovery" This is where shit started to get real for me, and ill remember this conversation as though it happened this morning-forever!
"Why can't you come back to Tx? What happened? Are you ok? I gotta tell you what happened steveo. It started off as occasional drinks each weekend. Then I met a girl, and she did down. What's down? Opioids! Oh, I see. I've never done that. Don't ever try Steveo. As I began to party here and there, just a little bit like one last hurrah before returning to Tx, so did he. He begged me steveo, just for a try of it. He was six sheets to the wind, mind you, but continued to beg me for some. He ran out of cocaine, you see. Oh, he was doing coke? Yeah man and lots of it, probably why he avoided you man. Ahh.
So I tied the tie real hard and only pinch hit him, was barely anything. He loved it and wanted more until I was hitting him with full strength. Hitting?? Shooting him up! Ahh. He drove over to this chick's house and begged the dealers for more and more, and then when they really gave him the dose he overdosed right there and then."
I've never experienced a story quite in that fashion, and I was awestruck. Roy would soon disappear into the void of life and much like Jeremy, I don't know if he is alive or not. I believe he could be dead. As for Randy, well he never regained his essence. The man I knew and loved was forever gone that night of his first opioid overdose. I tried to negotiate life with him again, and it failed miserably. I had to cut him off from me.
Another friend of mine just passed. I loved this man, but not like the two mentioned a little above. I loved this friend hillbilly john for his attitude and love of life. He loved his children more than anything this world could offer. He was obsessed with having his dick sucked like most men I know, but he was also obsessed with simple healthy joys on top of that. We could talk for hours, and debate at the same time too. At points throughout this last decade, he didn't like some of my decisions and I for him the same. I met him in Tx and kept him close as I could. We stayed along the lines of what we did in our recoveries, but he was one of the only ones that remained from Tx that "Made it" I discovered along the socials recently someone who mentioned John and his ways. I found out he died through social media. I had no idea. I would have been at his funeral as he came to the funeral of my love all those years ago. John had the shine I often speak of. His heart couldn't beam any longer, I reckon. I am often surprised by how much I think of John and his presence in my little world. I loved his character, and I hope he knew that of me. Genuine love for him as a man.
I can only really recall one friend who has been with me this entire journey and not strayed. Chad a remarkable man. He reminds me of my lifelong bestie, they're both quiet dudes with big hearts and an art for simple joys. Friendship for life I see in this man, and though we may not play together often I feel as though time will never pass and we can always play in one another sandbox. Love this dude!!
People come, and they go throughout this journey of recovery. Each friend or group of the same provides purpose for the road you are on now. I didn't fully intend to write about the loss I have felt from some of the men I have met and watched die. I did want to honour them, and John, who peculiarly has been popping up in my mind more often than I ever would have realized.
The chat with the client this morning solidified that I had to discuss the passing of friends and how their time has come to an end. Their story was told, and their character outplayed his part. It's all about the famous people that we know, isn't it? Isn't our life just full of plot lines and stage productions out of the most pathetic storylines? That's how I view it anyway. Maybe it keeps me semi-sane? Fuck, who knows? What I do know is, that I cherish the people who stay. I mourn the ones who truly mattered to me. I honour their lives through mine and thank my higher power regularly for them.
Take a moment to enjoy your storyline, be sure to shine!