Funny how I am takin a piss and think wow bOi did you ever have fun last night!
I feel hung the fuck over!
Though I don’t it’s random I think it’s more or less puzzle pieces going together. I finish watching an episode of queer as folk and it’s an absolute gem of a program and a part of me remembers my own personal Babylon and it’s mini incarnations. Fun? What does that even mean what does it mean now and well what does it look like for the future? So why think back to last night and going to an actual live concert seeing some rock bands I got to see the legendary Joan Jett I got to see Tommy Lee and Mötley Crüe and poison. I also got to see deaf leopard and I can’t even begin to tell you how truly amazing that was!
I tried doing voice recognition there to type for me but it bothered me so I’m back to typing this blog! Lol 😂
FUN!!
Well I think of the treasures I have throughout my sober world and I’m left sitting here saying to myself wow bitch you really are just human after all!
I look back and think of all the wild nights I had: hang bangs and bath houses drug fuelled sex parties, ragers and poker and non stop partying of all sorts. This lasted a good decade folks and when it stopped well I fucking quit me!
My recovery world brought me back to the dreamer i am, to be able to create and think to be brilliant in my mind , well I thought I lost that me.
So, fun like yesterday was and still is rare. But I don’t feel guilty like I normally do or have in these last ten years. That’s right I shamed myself for having fun. I shamed myself for seeking the “fun” and I guilted myself for accepting pleasure.
Now I’ve also been through the ringer when it comes to friends, lovers and lust. That’s a different story for another time- promise!
Gladly though I will continue to explore fun and seek the things I enjoy. Why did I try voice recognition to type? Well it’s because I broke a barrier of my own and got fake nails for the rock concert and can’t type lol. I also had my eyes done with shadows and mascara which I’ve never done before.
I loved it!!
I will do it again!!
I spent close to $500 on this event and I don’t regret a single thing. Not one! That’s impressive for me! Now I feel like a bag of shit today because I over exerted myself. I owe myself a lot more fucking love than I used to think I deserved.
I mentioned Queer As Folk earlier and truly this franchise program has defined me for thirty years. To watch, feel relate and admire never seems to go astray. I love the depictions and I really am invested in the people as all of me. The true me!
A topic came up on the show I watched which falls into the lustful category I’ll also get into that later
The point tonight was to examine my feelings around the pleasure and the proper pain I feel from having a good time.
The road to being a better human and really digesting the me in me, has been brilliant. What I love to devour is the on going realizations I continue to have of myself. This journey is meant to be fun. Exciting and full of surprises.
I pray and thank my higher power every night. I turn an hourglass over to symbolize the end of time on that day and the beginning of time for the new day which lay as I awake thereafter. I praise the HP for the joys I have today, the life I have the things that make it up and how I am happy for the first time in years
Am I saying I was unhappy this whole time on my recovery journey? No absolutely not! I’m saying the fun and love for myself and all I am grateful for Increased as I began to love myself more!
Encourage yourself to follow your heart and let your being be guided by faith. Your journey only matters if YOU are part of it!