WARNING EXPLICIT
Part of this series is real and based on actual events in my life. I give insight on what happened and reflect continuously on the events OR levels of pain that contributed to who I am today.
Age six or seven I can’t recall, I lived in a trailor park and had this next door neighbor his name was Tuc. I remember when he asked me to go with him and his family to celebrate his birthday at Fantasy Land. I was so honoured to be chosen for this and it was my first time being picked. In my first school I was left out by the other boys. Called FAG and referred to as a pansy. I knew then what that meant and I’ve never forgotten. The boys made fun of my behaviours and how I liked to play with the girls. The girls didn’t want to play with me because I was weird and so no one played with me. I had a couple friends from in and around the trailor park and that was nice. Outside of school was usually fun for me. I was ( from my recollection) never allowed in the house on weekends. It was inside locked in my room or outside no matter the temperature.
yea I said locked in my room, a story for another time.
Tuc and I remained friends for as long as he lived next door or until he realized I wasn’t like the other boys as he stopped playing with me. Tina a new girl in the park arrived and she was fun. I think I had a crush even though I don’t think I fully understood that then. My dad even created a fort house out of the backyard shed that wasn’t used. He made it up like a little home for me to have friends over and basically play house. That’s a sweet moment. We had coffee cups and everything. Anyway friends came once and never again. There was nothing cool for them to do I guess, where as I loved playing house!! Tuc liked Tina and Tina liked Tuc. I remember when we all had a kissing game under a blanket fortress in someone’s home I think Tina’s and I didn’t want to kiss. I was kicked out and that was the end of those friends. As I write this it is all very memorable in the moment. I wasn’t chosen by them anymore. A few years later this exact scenario happened again with two orher friends who really called me out on my homosexuality and then branded me. They were then never my friends again. They would’ve been my longest two friends from the trailor park days even when I moved to the city. They UnChose me and it was all a game to get me to admit I liked boys. That would’ve been around 13 or so.
This tale builds again and again over time. Elementary, Junior High, High School all left out or made fun of because I acted, talked, walked differently then the others. I wasn’t chosen by “others” for being who I was. Until I began changing myself into what ”others” wanted me to be. I got a girlfriend I had another girl into me. I had sex with Janet and kissed Nikki but also kissed Paul in the gay bar and then lost all of them because they UnChose me because I was a liar.
I was confused!
Confused straight into my thirties about who I was truly.
Sex was a game. Men used me for a mark on their head board and I used those men to feed my addiction and mostly my loneliness. Even when I found people to be part of the many and I mean many friend groups I had to change who I was and hide who I was to be part of. I was never chosen for simply being me. People didn’t know me or chose not to know me but what they could gain from me. I was a manager all my twenties cause I had to be in charge for forced likeness. I was never truly liked for me it was all about what I had.
Relationships I’ve had long and short term were about gaining and taking from both sides. I liked to give it all away in hopes of being fucking chosen. I risked my life numerous times to be chosen.
The Level of Pain that has gotten me to this point of absolute love for myself came from being UnChosen the final time. One person says something and I’m instantly neglected and not seen nor heard again. Though this time would be the final time. I devoted my unconditional love for this group of friends and truly believed I’d have them forever, until they UnChose me.
If you’ve been hurt, emotionally or physically heck even both I want you to know I’ve been there! I for 100% understand the feeling of rejection from people who claimed to love you, friend you or bed you. I relate to a MGK Song or songs for so many reasons because his music screams at me the devastating truth of loneliness and abandonment I’ve felt over and over again in life.
I choose now to be chosen by people I choose. i leave little room to be UnChosen ever again. That feeling is too sting worthy and my soul cannot take another rape!
Talk to me. Let me know if you relate, I’ll be there as a voice if you’ll let me. Take a listen to this song see what you think. Comment and share and thank you.