WARNING COULD BE EXPLICIT
Continuing the series took some time, as I need to be in the right head space. I heard on one of my shows recently how super hyper vigilant people come to be by being so in tune with their surrounding and what could happen that they constantly are aware of the next chess piece played. Usually by cause of trauma they endured growing up. Hence my ability to profile so fluently. A scary but true gift I have.
To avoid being screamed at I would anticipate what the enforcer would want and obstacle around it. I adapted to people around me to avoid persecution . I endangered myself by acting out. I sought after dangerous scenarios to keep myself a float at times. I continued to put other people first in all areas where I disconnected from my true self.
When the added bonus of addiction kicked in I elevated my game and chose to play bug catcher in hopes of dying to end the pain. Liquid courage turned into substance dependence and my world of doing for others to gain some sort of accepted feeling near killed me. You ask, isn’t this what you wanted? No I wanted to live but I did not know how to live. I aimed to make everyone else comfortable and happy that I did whatever I could to make that happen. I never came first. Well not until my recovery. I lost jobs and many friends because I aimed to be everyone’s everything and neglected my own happiness and I truly forgot what happiness was to me!
Down that bottle of pills, utilize the narcotic sell your body to the next bidder. This even led me to an old motel where people went to shoot up and die. Yes I walked those halls and yes I almost injected. I found out years later that codiene was mixed in heroin and I would’ve instantly died back then on that night with the four hundred pound man wanting me to inject! I am so glad #god stepped in and saved me through my conscious!
I walk tall today because I do not place myself in second place any longer. I choose my own happiness over others and I try to stay away from the drama, especially at work because I am just there to do a job. I love what I do and I love the people all around me I will not be second anymore in life. I will strive for grace and pray for kindness to be given and recieved. Peace love and Esteem!