Sunday where I am is quite the opposite of slumber….
Blessed with having multiple positions within a field of work I love and thrive in. On this day I was yet again reminded of the past haunts. Seen a former bff and it wasn’t awkward for me. I could see the shame, guilt and nervous attitude from him though.
Days gone by.
Spoke to another friend whom I truly admire as a person and a soul. They have been around my whole recovery journey, and though I don’t spend time with them I hold them dear to my heart.
They spoke of doing their own blog and I said how cathartic it is to have a place to release some of the inner work demons.
A couple days of memory trips and here I am saddened by the lost ones. Because as I seen this former bff, I recalled all the ones who’ve died along the way of that relationship. I think of all the lies and tales told to help others in their quest for attention and seeking of the addiction they faced. Then I think of their demise because said addiction took hold.
As it often does!
He I believe travelled that road recently as well, though I’m not certain.
Recently there was another soul lost. I speak of this because it was a first for me to experience in the ways I was involved.
The guy sat in front of me and challenged his inner demons to unravel for me to see! As I watched his mind trick him into believing this man existed before him, my eyes welled up.
The pain, his pain was real!
Now understand this, during usage of extreme intoxication some people’s mental health begins to act out. Usually without the individual knowing or fully understanding, from my knowledge.
Drug-induced psychosis, also known as 'stimulant psychosis', happens when you experience episodes of psychosis such as delusions or hallucinations as a direct result of substance abuse.
As he sat there and bared his heart he told me he didn’t want to be this way. He didn’t want to have these very real visions and he just wanted peace. He was sorry. Stating he wasn’t a harm to himself or anyone. Tears flowed, and our time together lasted close to two hours.
I contact other members of his team and we shared similar stories as this was prevalent in his day to day lately.
He didn’t want medication and or interference. I informed him he could call at anytime and we could chat about anything!
When I bring up these scenarios, or when I place them into story it’s solely for the purpose of bringing awareness to the key elements often not spoke of in the line of work I do. The mental health of many addicts is a dastardly fast acting tool working against them once they introduce altering substances.
I know this because I lived it.
The pain became stronger. My anger turned into rage. My desires to not feel and not express became so powerful I didn’t want to awake.
The voices, my static was all to real!!
“They found his body overdosed on a couch Thursday. I’m chatting with the family about what’s next. I’ll let them know you send your heart and prayers.
Be well ok. No matter anything I still care for people.
Very sad day.”
I sent that message to the bff I spoke of earlier a couple years back. This person spoke of was also a good but troubled friend. His numerous attempts out lasted many peoples bingo calendar of his life. His static was extremely loud. Even I could hear it!
The person I spoke of above whom I spent two hours with may have taken his own life not long after that conversation. I am struggling with this, even though I know I did everything I could in that time frame.
These are not just people who come and go in our worlds. They are souls we’ve been selected to encounter for reasons of education on life and what potions exist under our nose.
As I learn and grow I feel left behind by those who’ve come and gone. I’m doing well in life as of late. I feel good I’m looking healthy and my faith is my guiding factor everyday. I still care. Even more so for the ones I’ve lost who are still alive, just not alive with me day to day.
I’ll leave you with this quote from Socrates: “Death may be the greatest of all human blessings”
Thanks for reading.