Day one:
I arrived in Providence just a hour before the silent retreat was to begin. I got situated in my suite and unpacked for a week long excursion away from my everyday.
Neutral Color’s occupy the room in shades of elegant blue. A refreshing mix of fresh linen and holiness surrounds me. As this is the beginning of my week long tribute to my recovery I set out a gift I got early on in recovery by a friend I’ve not seen in quite a while, Danielle A. I offer up a candle made by a local indigenous artist and opened my god box. I bought this special new item on a recent trip with other recovery friends a couple weeks back. In it I placed my fears, worries and negative vibes in hopes of transforming their energy into something shy of Rae’s of light.
Couldn’t nap, I’m far to excited simply to be back in this saintly environment.
Gardens, my oh my the holly garden of providence enticed me to book another night!
First prayer 🤲 I have chosen a sacred word to consent to the spirit. Thy spirit will enter and hopefully guide me along this journey which is upon me. Opening was of sparrows and a Thomas Keating quote I reckon of openness. Twenty minutes simmered by.
Silence corrupts the air, the smell of the trees and flowers of the exterior flood my senses. I’ve always had an escape memory. A sacred space I go too in my mind. The memory bank keeps this area preserved for my entry every time I choose to escape there! Grandma an eagle, and images of hearts became visual, and the trees hovering above me.
An evening prayer occurred straight from the liturgies of New Zealand a reading with accountability and praise. It was just the right addition to kick off on night one. I followed that up with a stroll down to Glennridding Ravine. Truly felt so peaceful as it gave me some stunning photos. I love love love water and being close to it.
I spent the remaining hours of daylight reading a book on ambition. YEP an excellent first day!
Day 2
Good morning!
I didn’t sleep well which is unique here for me, as I’ve always slept well in places like this. The sky is fluffy with clouds. The wind is minor which makes it delicate outside for tan.
It's so hard not to profile people out of the 12 people eating with me 10/12 ate one item first then a second and so on their plate
They didn't eat bits here and there
I find that strange but speaks to different complexities of the mind. Very interesting!
Faith Hope & Love, as one person explained during our readings; was that our creator, higher power or god, is love. We present our faith through love for others, by removing the goal keeping, snobbish or conceit. Also with our boast. Reflection came four times with the passage read on the verse by adding in another form of what Love isn’t.
I participated in a prayer walking circle for the first time and did not know what I was doing! So Google helped : On a personal prayer walk, you can walk in silence, observing the scenery around you. You can pray for people and situations that are on your mind. You can talk things out with God, sharing your thoughts and emotions and leaving space for the Spirit to respond. You can give thanks for the blessings in your life.
We sat for fourty minutes in silence and simple lathered up the concept of love.
This afternoon I ventured deeper into the wooded area on the property. I found shade and took in some excellent pictures. Then just as luck would have it an eagle appeared flying really low. She perched her self up on a few different trees and corresponded to my chatting with her. I asked her to come closer and she did and then she chatted and flew up then over then down. Curious I am obviously as this animal appeared to me yesterday in first sacred word speak: Google 😂 again showed me: When Eagle appears to you it means that you are being put on notice. Eagle totems appear to inspire (push) you to reach higher and become more than you think you are capable of. They tell you to be courageous and really stretch your limits and see what you can do.
I feel so blessed to even have had the ability to pay for this vacation and to bask in the quietness that is all around us. I believe the eagle had a nest cause I heard a baby cry and she appeared again as I left the area. But still amazing!
As I walked back to the Center I was surrounded by little birds dancing along the pathways. Just unbelievable I have to say!
The evening gathered my attention around a practice discussing the banquet & dance. I was relieved to find out that it was not a thing we were doing in the moment but rather a discussion on love hope and faith. Father Keating discusses how people who tap into their purpose, uniqueness their power act in such a way as though performing a rhythmic dance.
These people act out their power when called upon and as though it was second nature- god! Takes quite the journey to get there and then to not have any idea how or why one was able to perform that task so eloquently. People feel unworthy and believe they do not belong or deserve…. People over think and underestimate themselves.
We in the end are all invited to dinner with the high powers we choose. Along the way do we accept the invitation is the question.
As we go to share their strengths and hope to invite others to joint them then gift can be rewarded with simply love.
What is interesting for me and I shared this with the group ( first time speaking at the retreat) I explained what I do for work a bit more. Reasonings for coming on this journey and how I didn’t think I needed to grieve for the dead client. Now when I say this I mean in general as I explained to the group. I’ve come far enough on my trails that I ( as some of you may have read in previous posts or in ‘People Places & Purgatory’) seen a lot of people die due to addiction mostly. It’s become so normal that the shock value needs to be high for a literal reaction from me.
Does this make me cold? Does this make me worn out or jaded? I personally don’t think of it in those ways. I think of it more of a hardening to the risks involved working in the field I do. Recently two clients died on the same day, in the same tent both with needles in their arms. I found out about the one the day after and I cried at another job. Actual tears came out because this girl gave me a run for the money. It just sucked is all. The second guy was told to me about four days or so later. Now they were not reported together to the same agencies. However their circumstances of death and their relationship through the street bonded them together and this just seemed like to odd of a coincidence.
Why, do I bring this up? Because as I shared with the group I wonder how I can share the actual gifts with people who don’t know they’re ready? Don’t know their loved like actually looked over and guarded? They live and yet they don’t see! I was there and it took for me to be introduced to solitude in a place Jack Nicholson Made Famous yes a nest. People don’t hear or want to hear truth, so I grieve now. For their loss. I grieve for my loss in them as humans in my world. I grow in this moment for the others.
Now the group shared and lots of love from strangers occurred. I’ve seen this before a decade ago when I came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I feel it here, slightly compelling more so though now that I feel feelings. Where are a decade ago I hadn’t experienced love in a long ass time.
The group understood to their level and there is no answer, even the priest who guided our prayers was t sure how she’d answer. Peace. Faith. Hope. Love for them and their ways is the best I can do. Wish them well.
Day 3
The sun was beaming down on me from the tall spruce trees this morning at 430am- so I continued to sleep until 645am in fact my body and mind were so well rested I slowly crept myself down to prayers this morning and as well as the lesson on praying in secret while in dwelling. Though I heard all that was said, my eyes fluttered and my soul was truly at rest.
Today I feel most at peace I believe the rest is doing wonders for me!!
Feeling full today I was guided back to childhood memories that gave me poise in the time. A house fort! Yup my dad turned our yard shed into a house Fort for me! He didn’t know what he was doing but he said you can have coffee here with your friends! Haha I thought he was odd. It’s funny how today that would be excellent a little house Fort for coffee dates etc. i messaged him and asked if he remembered he said no. I mean this was 32 years ago probably.
Point is- I remember!
We tackled the meaning of dwelling in silence as we talk to our higher power. I’m doing so this contemplative prayer takes form. The struggle I have is erasing what the theologians call commentary. The internal commentary we all have and the thoughts that don’t stop. I have mentioned that I refer to thoughts of my own as static. The old static near killed me. The new static I reckon is normal self talk.
Idea here is, remove thy self from the equation and simply be in thought talk with your higher power. I do practice though the prayer with no tongue at home on a daily basis. I also never have the feeling that my higher power isn’t with me as the theology experts believe most people don’t believe their god is with them consistently. On the contrary for this cat haha when I sin ( and I do a lot of this) I apologize.
Sex was never always ok! He was always there, I could imagine in awe and also wondering what he created when the mould of I was formed! 😂
I take the inner dwelling aspect to heart and challenge YOU the reader. If you partake in any meditation or souls friending; be one with yourself and attempt to eliminate the inner commentary. It I reckon will take practice. The underlying game is to connect with your HP.
Day 4 as I fight to stay awake I am rested far too much for me own good.
Divine Therapy is the task at hand today. Love yourself enough to let go of the strings that potentially hold you down to this false self.
The false self is the attachments we have to the things we do, people we know & relate too and the occupation that hostages us. Yes you read that all correct. We are one with the universe, one with your own spirit animal one with your higher power. All these other things are simply that, things.
Excellent morning
Think of this
Release from your straight jacket of over identification!
It’s a handful of thought in one mini paragraph aint it? I opened up more in this session this morning because when the minister spoke of how hard it is for people to not let go and be free I had to explain that this learning to be ME thing is not new to me. I’ve experienced this with AA. I could identify here as “ Hi I’m Steve and I’m an Addict Alcoholic, but I understand deeper that I am NOT JUST those things. They play a huge part of who Steven is. So does all the other little scenarios I’ve been attached too.
Simply coming to this Silent Prayer retreat generated criticism, mockery and all from places of ignorance to be honest. The people simply do not feel what I feel, believe how I believe and see the ways I see my world. I mean absolutely no disrespect to them, how could they understand the true essence of Steven? They can’t. Some think they know me, but very much of me is hidden from the “others” and people only see what I let them.
This mornings conversation was absolutely brilliant for us all to sit there and identify as being soul walkers here on a journey to find inner happiness and love. The love we have for ourselves and our higher power is what brought us all here. It’ll connect us as we travel the roads we’re destined.
Evening Lectio broke down knowledge. The keeping and giving of same, though from the spirit. We read a passage from “John” and it spoke of ‘ there is more to give you but now you can not bare it. But when I do you will know the knowledge comes from me and with the spirit I will tell. Only when you’re ready’ something along those lines.
How I interpret that is and I quote this as what I said: “ well if life gave us all we needed to know than what’s the point? Nothing would be fun or mystical. We I believe get revelation or seeds planted on or about us around us. Thus they formulate and life happens. We seek but know, what we need to know will be given to us from the higher ups when it shall be”
Along the lines of be ridding of the inner self and accepting our spirit as our higher power and then also not needing all the answers but to trust along the way is I believe the healthiest approach!
Today the minister told me of a book Addiction & Grace so I bought it along with the book of Psalm’s. While here I’ve been reading a Derrick Bell book “ Ethical Ambition” amazing how the chapter of faith works into exactly what I am learning right now on this journey. One last nod too todays god shots, I have a book mark I am using
“The Point of power is always in the present moment” I randomly read this in a study here it’s 10:14pm Wednesday and then I look up and see a magazine titled “Presence” a spiritual directors magazine. I do believe the spirit is with me!
Day 5
I am blown away at how the time has gone here. It didn’t go by fast, nor did it creep by. Being in prayer for basically 3 hours in the morning and then again in the afternoon your day is eaten up by penance.
Divine Service that we can do acting on behalf of our higher power is today meat. Acting out our skill in how we participate in life’s events. Such as I am a Social Worker, My Father is a welder and my best friend in life works at a grocery store. Each have a particular set of skills handed down to us where we actually escape our false self as Father Keating would say and we act out the performed task we were set out to do.
I feel as though in life and up until recently I have taken on this challenge greatly. I had not been taking work home with me and nor did I worry about it either. Now that took many years of therapy and working on myself along with trust in the employee ship.
A dear friend Jac messaged me today and said “ I see you have been working on your spirituality. Good stuff man 😊” I stated I needed a break & peace while he reminded me “That is what is called not being afraid to take care of what is important. Good on you!” I needed to hear this at just the right time on this trip! Much like what was discussed last evening. This little loving remark from a man I really do cherish and yet don’t spend nearly enough time with, was exactly what I needed to hear!
I’ve been outside playing with my HAWK friend. A lady by name of Carmen came around and I introduced her to my eagle 🦅 friend. So she went and walked up to her as she stood there watching me from the trusses of tree. ‘Pretty Girl’ as I have been calling the Eagle said hello to Carmen and then moved trees to better look at her. Astounded she was that this bird was so either friendly or guarded lol. Carmen did say though that this would be a Hawk. Haha and so the traditional teaching go, I googled a possible reason minus the protecting of her nest, that this beautiful creature would play with me:
When you have a hawk sighting, it's a sign from the spirit realm that you are ready to take on a larger, more powerful expansion and vision of your world. The hawk symbolizes a need to start looking forward, envisioning your path ahead, and perhaps even preparing for a greater role in life. Hawks represent determination, focus, leadership, clarity, future planning, intuitive decision making, and protection. They often show up when you are called to complete a goal or mission and need strength and encouragement to keep moving forward. Hawks are believed to be messengers from the spirit realm!
Spiritually, hawks represent being in control of your own reality by utilizing a blend of intuitive wisdom and swift decision making. They represent the power of focus, determination, and confidence in the process of creation. Hawks are intelligent and represent the power of divine sight, seeing opportunities and futures that most others can’t see.
Truly astounded that from all the work I am doing here, the teachings of grounded messages and calmness love and spirit that I also would be guided by animals around me such as Pretty Girl. I have made the right choice, there was so much more to this decision and I knew it from the passion I demonstrated about this trip for weeks now.
I’ve seen this picture in the foyer to the ‘Sisters’ dining area ‘Pater Noster’ loving this picture and all the different scriptures I just had this calling to it and had to AGAIN use the Google to figure it out! Well wouldn’t ya know it I know it. And well! It’s quite amazing to see the many versions so amazing. Y’all in recovery know it too haha spark up that Google tell me what ya think!
Conclusion of the seminars touched on life’s goal. For you, for me for all of us actually. Ideas of what we can to practice centring prayer in our daily life’s to continue on the contemplative road. First to strike me was the idea of us all being chosen for this meeting in this moment during this time. The others in the room have been to these retreats a plenty, not I. Father Keating spoke of how ones higher power works through their spirit and when the spirit begins to respond people, such as I find our ways here.
Honestly it’s not hookey haha I absolutely needed and wanted to come to this retreat back in Easter when I saw the brochure. I put that brochure on my fridge and begged for it every chance I got. Something ( god) asked me here.
Then as we led into our final prayers of the evening, I set out thanking god for all I have. Asking god to look over some seriously troubled clients. Removal and tinkering of some of my character defects. Again thanking him for allowing me this opportunity.
I am going to share here a story I’ve only told in a few conversations. I have been known to really pay attention to connections and how all of this in life seems to connect in very interesting ways. My intuition is quite strong and that’s a gift on its own. How I came to be a true believer in god happened on my tenth birthday. I was laying in bed in the trailor park and thanking god for not killing me with AIDS.
Yes, you read that right. I had heard from adults that faggots and gays queer fellas got aids and died because being homo was an ultimate sin. At this point I’d already experimented and I knew I was gay. I was convinced I was going to die instantly for what I’ve done. So when my birthday came along I asked god to please let me live another year and each year I would repeat this and I think I still do. Now I learned way way later that one just doesn’t catch AIDS and die like from touching a dick! Seriously 😐 but this is the kinda shit that traumatizes children whom are ignorant to what the adults have to say. We believe, follow and repeat. Well not I!
This is important because in a matter of an hour and a half I will begin my 10th year in recovery from alcohol and drugs. I turn 9 but I count that as an end and the beginning of the decade. A massive milestone and I think of this during prayer. Another 10, my lord please let me have another!
I continue praying and I am led to a scene a little different than my normal scene yet still connected. I use my sacred word which is Gully and I transport to my ultimate happy place, the Gully! Well this time I find myself in the outfit I wore on the plane to meet my grand parents for the first time when I was eight at the end of their street before going down into the Gully. I asked for protection from god earlier then 10 I was 8 heading on a plane and I didn’t want to die. I was reminded of this tonight in centring prayer. A God shot as we call it.
My Higher Power was reminding me of how he’s always been there. How he always will and how I came to be in the seat I am in tonight. What will I choose to do next? He asked this I kid you not. I don’t Bible thump haha I am not that guy. But I do believe. More will be revealed as mentioned earlier and though I know, it’s going to be a huge decision once I announce it to my family.
As I end the evening with a walk down to the creek. I return to the centre and decide to write some more of my next epic short stories. I find myself writing this in the dark of a library that is so fundamentally soothing for me. I just cannot explain the feeling I have being here. Dream a little Dream of me by Doris Day plays in my mind. Keep in mind I haven’t heard music, the socials, News anything in over a week. So the things that come to mind at the times they do is some sort of refreshing guidance I must say. 🧜🏼♂️
Day Six
As I awoke I truly did feel the spirit in and around me. It may sound corny to you; however this blessing has been the best pick me up I’ve had in a long long time. The sun was beaming in on the white satin sheets. The warmth covered my skin like a blanket that I’ve need to cuddle for some time. I am 39,420 days clean and sober today. NINE years but the beginning of the tenth year in recovery!
I was reminded of the man I first heard speak at a meeting and my original home group in AA ‘Breathe Easy’ his higher power was a doorknob. I didn’t know much of this and did think he was a bit whack. Now I didn’t know all, but in time it was revealed that I would find my own HP. I’ve always had one and that is the Christian god. Ever present and ever rewarding in all ways. This week has reminded me of the Amore I have, had and will continue to have.
Closing out Circle ⭕️
I borrowed the title of this from the technical expert whom was associated to the conference her name is Liz. But the title struck me and it meant so much to what we all experienced this week, that I had to incorporate it.
Gods energy was also emphasized by one I believe it was Florence and captioned by another and Carmen. The abundance of current felt amongst us as we prayed together in silence for hours of the day was phenomenal. There’s no better way of putting it than to call it gods energy.
Sad but not crying sad was I and others that this had come to its end. Our fake selves came together to release the inner spirit within for a week while connecting in silence to our higher powers. Appreciated and honoured were the main themes as we each said our peace in the circle. Then at lunch we gathered tables together and simply commiserated like old friends who haven’t seen one another in a long long time. Instant friends a bunch of strangers were, the connection is our beliefs.
I spent the lunch hour discussing my practice to a parent of one of my work colleagues in the field. How unique was this that through degrees of separation not in the spiritual sense but guided together in spirit. Dan was an absolute pleasure speaking too, just as soft spoken and wonderful as his son whom I know. My practice, my passion and my perseverance. I can talk about the ups and downs of a system that is troubled for days.
Grateful 😇
As the night draws to a close I basically finished writing my THIRD short story: EMPIRE- do check it out when available.
I want to leave you and me even this message for our future.
I came into recovery by force! I had no choices left and I was as I mentioned in a “Nest” I could try my hand again at running nightclubs and bars which I knew would kill me OR I could give treatment a go. I’ll I’ll do a couple weeks and then prove I’ll be fine and get out and continue on with my life. Nine years later I sit here at an end of a brilliant staycation. A renewal centre designed for rest. A tool I picked up along my journey was prayer, and I figured why not spend a week in peace and pray for my gratitude and for the faults of my heart?
I’ve captured these moments for a newcomer or anyone struggling with addiction. I did this so you can see that there are many ways one can alleviate the static of our lives. Get clear direction and make solid choices, if they so chose too. One can believe in any higher power, the point is to believe in something greater than thy self. In turn I promise you, you will find peace in your turmoil. Much like I did with people promising me the same thing.
If you don’t have anyone who believes in you, well you do NOW!
Recovery is possible and YOU are worth it.
Thank you for reading 📖 feel free to email me or contact through the socials at anytime if you want an ear to talk too, heck or even just to say hi 👋
Steve.