To keep myself guided by the pen, I have made a conscious effort to write on days I am at another job! Utilize the time while there to reflect and reach out. I interact with y'all via capturing my thoughts here, then in most cases now popping these entries into the acclaimed book I am building.
As I drive move around town over the last couple days I thought about some of these chapters or blog posts. I anticipated what I could write about that would continue to embrace the journey I am on. I figured I would describe how my life has began to occupy a word I never imagined would fit in my vocabulary describing #Me
One of the absolute best things I've become while travelling the Red Road is Spiritual! I have always been spiritual in one form or another. Recently I described how I first began praying for my life early on. Well through the times I have kept my higher power close to my chest.
Don't save me from dying!
Don't cure my illness!
Don't fix me! Don't let me live!
Yea that kind of ongoing spirit kept me going. I believed I wasn't worthy of life, because I was a sad state of a human.
Though as moments continued, I was able to see my god again. This time on a light beam who voiced a choir to encourage me onward! I took a liking to this choir and sang the songs as I continued on!
Appreciation of day to day living was alarming and awesome! 😂 I'll never forget hearing someone say early on in one of the rooms;
'I kept the curtains closed! I hated the sun!
Felt like a walking vampire. Fuck all this work all day thing, I just wanted to party all night!'
This was me in a nutshell towards the end! I did not want the sun to come up. I hated daytime and I never wanted to wake up. I had zero appreciation for life. I yearned for it to stop! (Life- not my addiction, cause I did not believe I had a problem!)
Every morning I take time to embrace the sky light. At night I snuggle my pillows and take in the coolness of my sheets. I love me a hood and bad day. I appreciate all the time I have with family friends and myself!
Yep I became an Introvert to the extreme!!! I used to have to be around people! I absolutely could not be alone. I couldn't shut off the static. I also hated myself and thought the world would be an easier fit if I were not in it. None the less I had to be part of the party always!! I created the party and to do so I literally changed who I was to become famous! Well in my own right 🤣
Bar star king bottom who could party like no other and fuck any guy I ever wanted! Only when I used of course! When that side of me existed, cause I would call the other me out all the time I was this new man! The fun one, the wild child that never was! Oh that guy ( the substanced me) was fun and bad and overall sad!
Now a days oh golly do I ever LOVE being by myself. I stopped trying to hang with people, I stopped attending all the engagements and only went to ones I felt like! I didn't need all the attention and had or have zero need for people to be around. My 9-5 keeps me helping others and puts me out there enough!!!!
Nah bro- I'm good alone!
My heart has become full!
Full fire for those who seek help.
Full empathy for the needs for change.
Full for the love of my own presence!
Now some y'all may think WOW did this guy ever get to be so conceited?! No what I mean is I truly love my life, my work, my friends and family. I just have such a heart beating for these drum hits of day to day entangled knots of life! To have heart is truly remarkable, cause all I tried to do was stop that beat.
It always ached.
To Nap or not Nap is the daily bind I find myself in! Yes I no longer put myself into a daily coma, but I so cherish an afternoon nap! Snuggle up let the sheets drape over my naked body as the fan and winds from the outside sooth any wor that plagues my mind and causes the drowsiness! Gosh folks I do love me a good nap sesh! I highly recommend taking this hobby up, it'll make you less of a cunt I promise you!
As napping is spontaneous so is other activities I find myself in. I used to smoke cigarettes and drink and so this took the money from pocket daily!! I conjure up new things for me to keep myself occupied daily! Besides the television which I ❤️ I have taken up spontaneously thrifting for art! Hitting up a decent restaurant for a dinner just because. Night driving for doughnuts at 2am cause I can't sleep! Oh yeah I drive now a days hahaha neat! I became spontaneous and absolutely so not live by a schedule or timing or any anxiety like that. Besides work obv
I guess one would reckon that I have incorporated play into my everyday lifestyle. The popular saying when I was using from others was Get a Hobby!!! I had one, it was using and sex and hating myself! Duh 🙄
Hahahaha
Well fuck man do I ever play now a days! Mostly with myself and NO not dirty like you just read that! I love my own company so I go play at the shops, movies, diners and such! I also enjoy me some writing time accompanied by classical music & meditation on a weekly basis!!
The fact that I continually evolve is astonishing too myself. Oh I'm sure some others see this in me, but I see this in me! That's the most important aspect of all of this! The evolution of Stefano. Quite the character he is, I am!
If you caught on, the key to my near decade long recovery and journey is HAPPINESS.
All aspects intertwined create the new me. The old me is in the attic playing with the flowers hanging from the ceiling. He can stay there too! It's a good day to be alive yall! Go out there and pick out your sun beams, never dull your shine!